Helpless

Amidst all the sound preparation, due diligence and forecasting - times nowadays are as cunning as a thief in a moonless night!

Often times coming seemingly out of nowhere, and exploiting you when you're at your most vulnerable.

You cannot help but feel the sheer incompetence when these things catch you off-guard. Its a feeling that I know a lot of folks would never want to experience again; not with the current economy anyway.

I was brought-in in my new organization in the midst of the merger activities from its latest major acquisition last year.

Throughout the year, I've been responsible at orchestrating mainly, merger related efforts and initiatives, and if I can say so my self, have been doing a relatively good job with it.

Until I came across this one project, which, is not really related with the merger program line-up, but is somehow intertwined. I say "somehow" not for lack of understanding, but because even at this point, the project's sponsors can't even tell me this much at this time.

So began what I thought was a routine run of implementing a 3rd partly integration of the latest logistics and administrative solution offering that the firm is just dying to get their hands-on. Little did I know that the project, not unlike it's name, is totally "out-of-track" and is just an accident waiting to happen.

I'm not sure how the problem began; perhaps it has something to do with the vendor not having proper documentation such as performance characteristics, whitepaper, logical/business diagram, or the fact that the vendor themselves doesn't seem to understand the internal workings of their product, but even at the very beginning, I know that the project is destined for rough waters.

The problem took little time to escalate to a technologists worst nightmare. Obviously, I could've done things a little differently now that I knew more what the outcome would be, but the fact that it feels like the firm is taking what is supposed to be something that would only take a single response (like performance characteristics or the application's heat maps...) is not a good tell-tale sign that things is just bound to be in chaos.

Very soon, I felt that the project needed to re-direct its efforts to drive out the gaps, which was supposed to be filled-out by the vendor in the first place. It's not an easy task trying to figure out something that the entire firm, save from a handful of folks from the vendor knows something about.

Clearly, my concern is that, with the end-of-year evaluation looming at the horizon - the dilemma of this one project whose gone berserk will overshadow my other works and would give a negative impression with the PMO in general.

As mentioned before, I was not the type who would re-tell whatever success I have with my other endeavors. I'm the type of person who'll not sound a beep at something, unless I'm having problems that require upper management's action.

I know this is a poor example of a person whose main line of work is to effectively manage impressions, but that just the way I was when I started with the firm.

Now, I'm struggling to set the record straight. And the fact that the firms 2010 book-of-work line up shows less than a quarter from 2009 troubles me a lot. This means that the firm might be looking at letting people go, because 2010 work demand is comparably smaller than during the merger year.

I'm concerned that with this one project, my future with this firm hangs on a "very thin thread".

Indeed, its a sad fact, being helpless. I know that I might be exaggerating with my worries, but you can't help but wonder "what-if scenarios" especially with my circumstances.

Sigh, I just wish this week is over (I'm expecting my quarterly evaluation meeting with the firms top guys by end of the week), cause worrying this much is an exhausting thing to do.

Whats the last thing you think before going to sleep?

What's the last thing you think of before pulling the shutters down?

I know this is a bit of a naive question, and obviously its really none of my business to ask... and no, I am not nosey...

I just wanted to know what most of us, whose amongst the corporate slave category, thinks of before drifting to "snoozeville"...

I guess you could say, I'm curious to know if you folks have the same train-of-thought...

Mine goes like this (not necessarily in the same order each time)

. . . .

What was the last problem/issue I encountered at work today? >>> How can I have handled it better? >>> What the fuck! I need to call out a meeting for that issue, I bet shit's gonna hit the fan by end of the week... >>> I wonder what's gonna be for breakfast when I get up? >>> Did I forgot any errands? >>> Airconditioner needs to be checked or serviced/not cooling the room properly... >>> Shit! I did forget some errands! Better hope the wife doesn't remember by tomorrow >>> Who was that girl on that movie? The one about the blonde chick with the chin? >>> (5-10 minutes goes by) >>> Reese Witherspoon? >>> Oh yeah, thats her! >>> Wait a minute, why the fuck do I always forget her name? >>> Christ, the electric bill is going to be out soon, wonder how much it is for this month? >>> I really need to schedule the airconditioner, maybe tone-down a couple of hours worth of using it per day... >>> Ha! It's too much of a bother, but I guess I'd talk to the wife about it tomorrow.... >>> Wow, pillows are getting extra comfy right now, need to pull the sheets over, cool air finally settling in.... >>> Think I forgot to say my prayers, crap I'm too lazy to do it now... I'll say two prayers later when I wake up... >>> ZZzzzzz....

Need an overhaul

Do you ever have those days where you feel locked-out? Caught like a deer on a headlight over meetings? Feeling like your running around with your head cut-off? Or maybe just felt inadequately out of control?

Sure, its probably caused by sheer exhaustion, or frustration with the daily runnings at work - but then again these could just be a factor amongst a combination of things...

I seriously think there should be some sort of study out there... and a statistic of how many of us, mortals are affected by this condition... just so we can go to the authorities and declare a pandemic or something...

Tried combing the web for self-help advises, but nothing so far seems to work... well, not in my case anyway.

I probably need to get a vacation anytime soon... a very looooonnngggg vacation!

I'm feeling claustrophobic with my current working scenario right now.

All the issues, deadlines, and more issues are like, starting to take its toll on me...

Dealing with frustrations at work is tricky...

I know, cause I must have tried every piece of advise I could get my hands on...

So here's three of the "best advices" I can find out there, and what it did for me:

Positive Thinking

The problem is, that when you go with the "positive" thinking crap - its just a short-term "fix"...

I mean sure, it does get you off for a day or two, but once you get back to reality, its like you never really went anywhere... so you end up being more miserable cause all you've proven was you can actually fool yourself... Delusion is not something anyone should welcome, I bet persistent practice of this method would either land you in a mental institute, or seriously shift your sense of reality...

Analyzing the root-cause

Sorting or analysing the cause of the issue is obviously more stressful work for most of us - something which I'm sure you don't want more of in the first place... So that piece-o'-crap advise didn't work either...

Meditation

Dealing with the problem by subscribing to "distractingly gay-ish" activities like yoga. meditation, or some other similar shit, only gives you more clarity of mind, in effect, "amplifies" your initial sentiments and frustrations since you can focus and analyze better....

I've tried that one, and look where I am right now?

. . . . .

Seriously, I feel like I need a complete overhaul these days....