New-phemisms for the new year

This year is almost gone, yet for some reason, I feel contrite as I think back at the lost opportunities that this year has brought me.

I acknowledge that, in some way, I have made strides this year not just for myself, but for my family too.

I have broken into another dimension when I decided to leave the motherland and seek my retributions in a foreign one.

I remember the great quote that makes you feel so fuzzy first, then ends up bitch-slapping your senses silly:

To find one's purpose in life is easy - but to "live" one's purpose can sometimes be next to impossible

This year at least, I was lucky enough to have someone to give me my well needed "slap in the face"; to finally rouse me into consciousness.

For the past 28 years, I thought that I am doing an effing good job, career-wise (with the choices I've made and the things I've done). I swear man, I thought I was going in the right direction. But because of this person's insight, the world as I know it, was literally brought to a screeching halt!

All of a sudden, I got a clearer picture on things of what was before just a hazy-patch of glorified pixels. Now, I felt deeply remorseful that I might have screwed, not just myself, but my entire family's future. I am completely devastated when I realized that I might indeed have jeopardized my career by being an arrogant and conceited fool, too dense to realize that even people coming from modest backgrounds could have better take on things...

I am so engrossed at my own little success story (vain, huh?), that I felt anyone else's views are absolutely comical and absurd.... Okay, okay, I admit it... once upon a time, I was a bigot in sheep's clothing.... there, I've finally admitted it!!!

Going back to my point... This person, although coming from a very modest background, has made it to his "career nirvana" in fraction of the time that I've forecasted mine... Imagine my shock... =(

Made me wonder what sort of other things could be swimming in his head, and whether I could fish some of them out... It also made me feel that somehow, I could be a "student" again; that someone else could actually be teaching me something relevant again.

When the dust finally settled, I began my usual run of morbid panic attacks, sleeplessness, and excessive worrying. You see, it's not only because of the fact that I might have just blown 28-damn-years of my life into a dead-end; but also because I felt that this time around, I may never catch up with the guy..... Which of course also means that I'm setting myself up for a VERY disappointing retirement present....

Gives you something to wrap your mind with, huh? I mean, what if one day, you'll wake up and realize that your whole life is actually going to end without even a whimper. That the life your living right now, is actually spelling your failure.... I can't live realizing that I'll be a failure.... I mean, after all the shit I've already gone through...? I'd rather not have live at all.... *Big Sigh...

So what do we do? We go on living of course... and basically just hope for the best.... I'd be too stubborn not to fight back.... must be hereditary....

I always believe that nothing happens to you that you cannot exploit; there's always opportunity in every tragedy... I mean, there certainly something worth looking forward to, even if all you can see from the outside are bits and pieces of your crumbling, so called life... =(

I just hope there is still time in my life to get things into what I originally intended them to be... After all, there is one more reason this year that's worth reviving my hopes and dreams... My beloved baby boy Dylan...!!! Someday soon my son, I'd make you proud....! =)

I miss my family so much... I miss home...

King Tut's Curse

Remote Project Management used to be easy, that is until you find yourself surrounded by a bunch of bumbling, stumbling, stuttering idiots with fancy sounding job designations whose idea of work probably involves spamming emails, pointing fingers, and scratching their balls whenever they get the f*cking chance....

How I got myself into this much mess is beyond me!!! I actually didn't expect it from them - believe it or not. Coz I'm really into this anger management shit now a days. Which really made me rethink why I changed being a bigot and a racist in the first place.

Pillars of civilization?!?!?! Hah!!!!

Folks, if you ever get in a position where people depend on you, let me give you one advice that might increase your longevity:

!!!!!.....DO THE FUCKING JOB.....!!!!!

I dont care whether your a f*cking genius or just your plain old retard variety who happen to have deep enough pocket to buy their position in a company....

You're there for one f*cking reason!!! And that's to do your f*cking job!!! This shit's given me a reason why I will hate... no wait.... loathe these people!!!

How I wish I could have seen it when Moses kicked your asses and brought plague, pestilence, death and destruction to you lazy, dumb motherf*ckers!

If I get a chance and be reincarnated and be in a position and opportunity similar to that poor bastard Adolf Hitler - I'll put these idoits in my little genocide black book!!!

Burn, muddaf*ckers....!!!! Burn......!!!! [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE]

My Lovely Little Lamb

Dedicated to my wife, who is the vessel of my deepest hopes, dreams and desire....


My Lovely Little Lamb
By: DFEA

My lovely little lamb, whose fleece was not so white
I quiver at your sight, and fleet like a dancing sprite
Your shinning pouting lips, sends me spiralling out of control
Your bright and beaming eyes, is piercing my very soul

It used to be not so complicated, my little lamb and me
We'll spend the entire summer, just frolicking and being merry
Just say the word my love, I'll jump, and skip, and growl
if that's whats going to please you, I'll even hop and howl...

I'm so in love with you, my lovely little lamb
and so bewildered too, I'm bunched up like a clam
I'm so in love with you, my petal rose with thorns
you're so frail and tender, not quite for my rugged horns

I'm so in love with you, its funny but its true!
Even if at times, you make me miserable and blue...
I'm so in love with you, unbelievable but true!
Even if I am acting like a condescending slew....

My only lasting wish is to have you and to kiss...
To hold you, till I'm in eternal slumber, is my ideal gist
My only lasting wish, is but to be with you without remiss...
with my daughter and my son, forever, that's my bliss!

Withdrawal Method

It's mind boggling how the simplest mistakes tend to bog you down even with O.C.-like planning and flawless execution. Sometimes I think the old saying that life is unfair is an understatement.

I've been going through some major growing pains in my effort to generate substantial income with my stock trading activities. In general, it is acceptable to fail a couple of times when your starting something out. And its relatively easy to justify them in most cases.

Now, I'm not saying that my efforts went unrewarded, cause they've already earned me a handsome profit to date. It's just that, even with careful planning, I still find myself short from my projected targets. Mostly because I've been having some issues with not walking away while I'm still ahead, or walking too soon while the dice is still rolling...

Ah, the mortal limits of this insidious friend called Greed!!!

The mysteries of market dynamics is really not a mystery at all. Okay, so what if they say that the stock market is a cesspool of undulating turmoil of uncertainties with a touch of commensurate risk taking? Its all just math works, right? Or..... maybe not! =(

For the select few who has enough influence, charisma, power and money; playing the high stakes game of stock market trading is a walk on the park. Most of these bastards started with relatively humble beginnings. Now, they're writing fancy books while flaunting investment strategies like they were born with an MBA in Business and Economics.

But, to be fair, I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Being new to this stuff, it didn't hurt that I was an obsessive idealistic retard, a trait which actually sustained me when the market sentiment decided to play footsie with my life savings.... Thank God, all my toes are still with me!

I know that stock market trading is a science, which means it is bounded by absolute factors that can be qualified, quantified, and calculated. But it is also fact that the stock market game is an art, which means this shit is not for you, if you have suicidal tendencies!

What ever the case maybe, it's been a relatively interesting ride so far. It's like a roller-coaster ride from hell.

Absolutely lovely!

Friendly Fire

Friendly Fire
by: DFEA

Another Psychosomatic Episode today unfolds,
beyond the clamoring masses, his suffering beckons...
No mortal man alive can ever elude,
The insanity that forgotten vestibules ensued...

Towards the unknown future, I scope my chances,
lonely and sad, with my ridiculed romances...
I never really dreamed of much for myself,
only but what's rightfully mine I took...

Misery grips me for failing in grand scale,
while the enemy is mocking me like a feeding killer whale...
Playing with my every fiber, chanting retribution,
I grow tired of fighting and realizing only confusion...

I turned to my partner in hope of consolation,
she wasn't there, all I've gotten is nothing but deception...
I cried and I wept for I am about to die,
Still nothing came but echoes and lies...

And as I stand my ground, kneeling towards my detractors,
I recognize one of them, peeking through the corridors...
She's shaking from the fear, frozen and immobile,
shedding crocodile tears with her distinctive profile...

I lay blood-laden and torn from head to toe,
so full of hatred on my supposed ally turned foe...
Her only contribution was a pre-battle counselor,
a farce, a fiend, whose been nothing but a spectator...

We'll cross the "Breech" when we get there...

Breech Birth or Breech Presentation refers to the orientation of the baby where it will be delivered with either feet or buttocks first instead of the regular head first position...

This is whats keeping me awake for the past 3 days now... No thanks to that stupid OB GYN my wife have so much fate with!!!

I told my wife over and over, that it is still too early for her to worry on whether or not the baby will be breeched birth or not... She's not even crossed the 35 week mark...

From what I've read, the baby is still moving around up until the final days approaching full term (40 weeks). This fact should have sobered anyone else... but not my wife... =(

I love my wife so much, that instead of me consoling and reassuring her, her panic and anxiety is rubbing off to me instead!!! I'm turning out to be the anxious nervous train wreck, powerless to do anything to calm her down!!!

To console myself, I turned into my favorite fix - information gathering... I've uncovered some cool facts about Breeched Birth, here's some of them...

There are four main categories of breech births:

Frank breech - the baby's bottom comes first, and his or her legs are flexed at the hip and extended at the knees (with feet near the ears). 65-70% of breech babies are in the frank breech position.

Complete breech - the baby's hips and knees are flexed so that the baby is sitting cross legged, with feet beside the bottom.

Footling breech - one or both feet come first, with the bottom at a higher position. This is rare at term but relatively common with premature fetuses.

Kneeling breech - the baby is in a kneeling position, with one or both legs extended at the hips and flexed at the knees. This is extremely rare.

In the past, normal breech birthing is a common practice... with limited success! The process known as External Cephalic Version or ECV, is when a breeched baby of around 35-37 weeks is maneuvered (doctor assisted) to correct the baby's position in the womb. The procedure only has 50%-70% success rate. This procedure has a couple of prerequisites which includes the following: actual the size of the baby, the actual orientation of the baby, the girth and size of the pelvis, the amount of amniotic fluid and the integrity of the placenta itself, and lastly the physical condition of the baby.

This is a risky procedure to both the child and the mother. Throughout the process, the child's heartbeat needs to be monitored for stress. Too much stress on the baby, might result to premature labor. Even if the baby has been successfully maneuvered, there is no guarantee that s/he will not return to his/her original breech position.

Another method is what's known as Elkin's Maneuver. This procedure suggests that the expectant mother spends 15 minutes of every 2 hours in a "knee to chest" position. Initial results were very promising but subsequently found to be ineffective. Other suggestions include hypnotherapy and acupuncture, both still awaiting formal studies to qualify them medically.
I guess, when it comes down to it, nothing can really calm you either.

You only have to trust God and allow nature to run it's course. After all, it's still a long way to your full term, babe! And I know your so much stronger than this...

Tell you what, let's put all that worrying in a box, lock it up and throw away the key! We'll just have to cross the "breech" when we get there!

Pre-Natal Woes

My beloved wife is deliriously flipping-out on her last term of pregnancy. This is yet another reason why husbands and wives should be together during this time. Unfortunately, I have to be away from my wife unless by some miracle, my boss decides to send me home early for my annual leave...

The psychological and physical stress experienced during pregnancy and childbirth is a known fact. Most of the time, we are able to cope with them by brooding over the idea that giving birth is a process that's been around since forever!!! People do it everyday... so there's really no reason to worry.

I tried to think about what sort of thoughts my wife is having. I mean, carrying the baby to term by herself is a though job. I know she's stronger and braver than she looks, but I still cannot help but wipe off the sweat from my brow thinking that she's going through this thing alone.

The thing is, I never wanted to see any of my loved ones to suffer anything. I would rather inflict the pain to myself than see them go through it. If I can even do the entire pregnancy thing for my wife, I'd do it in a second.

You see, I'm a wuss when it comes to these things... I mean, I don't mind pain and suffering and all that crap, I proudly wear my battle scars for all to see. But to witness my wife or daughter or son to go through them? That's something I couldn't learn to tolerate.

People have told me about how husbands should be (1)poker-faced, (2)calm, and (3)reassuring for their wives during these times.... Well you know what, I can only do number 3... I don't know why I can't keep a straight face if I know that someone I love will be undergoing a stressful experience. Or keep a calm and cool demeanor, amidst the nauseating compulsion to flip out.

The source of this dilemma, came from her last visit with the doc... As per the doctor, the baby might be due between mid-December to early January... Something that really ticked me off... I told my wife to go and seek another doctor, because obviously, this doctor isn't sure about anything at all... I mean first she told us that my wife is due by late January (next year) and now this?!?? WTF??!?!?

Anyway, there's really no point to break my head over this. My wife is actually okay with the idea that she might deliver our baby without me by her side.

Naturally, my anxiety levels are off the roof...

I just wish I could be there for your babe.... =(

Trading Blues

After an exciting rump and cashing a handsome profit with my first stock trading activity, I decided to go with my instinct and feed my greed further...

I picked TGII or Transgulf Industrial Investments Holdings for my second roundup at this high stakes game. The company has been traded publicly for years now with an average performer reputation.

This slugger is an investment and holdings company which also dabbled on industrial leasing and financing. They have posted limited success last year but is currently reflecting high equity yield (YTD) due to good performance of their solid investment portfolio. The resurgence in market capitalization along with the regional surplus earnings brought by the global oil crisis contributed to the positive market sentiments which catapulted TGII's market value.

Basically, the company is an average (sometimes, below average) publicly traded stock. For the second quarter of this year though; they have been enjoying a spot in the MSM as one of the most actively traded stocks with volumes averaging over 21.3 Million shares (YTD) translating a turnover of $267.41 Million (YTD). Average figures really, compared to other players in the market.

Whether their stocks' appreciation is caused by surplus capital flaming the recent gold-rush like market activities; or on pure speculative grounds compounded by market sentiments, I felt this baby is a winner!

I bought the 5,000 shares of the stock last November 11th. I thought that I would be laughing my way to the bank with this one. I've totally forgotten that I'm actually playing with fire... I think it might be high time to call the fire department to douse me off =(

Depression = Aggression

For the longest time scientist we're baffled about psychological depression. Their efforts to understand the condition has led them to believe that it is better to "prevent" depression than to treat it. The reason is, depression can be causedby so many factors, of which, only a couple can be controlled.

Agression is defined as the process of engaging another party or parties (sometimes accompanied with force) to resolve a conflict. The actions employed may vary from person to person, but for the most part we are taught that we should always consider peaceful ways to arrive at a resolution.

I was lucky to live this long, given my affinity to these demons. Growing up, I always think that pain and suffering are my friends, because they are always there with me. I didn't mind it at that time, since I was taught that to be a man, you should always try to take these monsters head on.

In college we learned about the two basic human responses to stimulus: Fight and Flight. Of these two, I'd always choose the Fight response more often than I should.

Thinking back now, I am unsure whether or not my actions were right. I mean what if, I was mistaken? What if, because of my arrogance, I've dug my own grave pit!?!?! What if pain is actually something to run away from?? What if suffering is actually something that we should strive to get out of??

Lately, I'm beginning to see a pattern in my behavior which I don't like at all. Because people around me say I am basically a good guy. A fun guy. Now, I feel like I'm an accident just waiting to happen. A ticking timebomb....

Earlier today, I snapped at our new colleague because I found her little musings irritating. I don't know what's happening... I've gotten brutally intolerant of simpletons, idiot and technoweenies...

I suppose I can still change. After all, it might just be the stress.... along with other things in my mind.

Rolling with the Big Boys.... First Day High!!!!

Today started off like any other day... Woke up... flinched... did some stretching... procrastinated... did some some more stretching... finally forced myself out of bed, all in a record-breaking time of 37 minutes.

Then I went to the kitchen and fixed myself some breakfast... Everything seems all too quiet, in fact, I completely lost track of time as I enjoyed my cup of coffee for 30 frigging minutes before taking a shower... I was in the office fifteen minutes to nine... tardy again, but what the hey... I figure, since I'm the first one to leave the office anyway, that kinda sorta balances the whole schedule thing off, right?

I mean if you arrive late for work and leave late for work, you would've been late twice in one day.... And I don't think anyone would want that, right? Ergo, my line of reasoning is acceptable... Arrive late, Go home early =)

Anyway, on with the story... So there I was rummaging through my daily tasks and running for a 12 o'clock meeting when a colleague of mine stopped and asks me what today was as he fills out some form... So I told him, "Its Tuesday, October 24th"... it took a while for me to realize what I said... today is the First listing day of the stocks I bought (GECS)...

I tried to run back to my office to check the stats online, but the fools started pouring into the conference room signaling the start of the meeting...

Now, about meetings, you might not think of me as the life of the party type, but I can definitely consider myself otherwise when it comes to these meetings and stuff... Usually, I am one the persons that everyone looks at to dictate the course of what's going to happen...

I bet, everybody noticed how I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on... All I wanted at that moment was to get out of that room!!!

Finally after over an hour of incessant blabbing and pointing fingers, the meeting adjourned... I was the first person to leave the still steaming set of seats, stepping at some one's toes in the process...

I shot straight for my office and went to the web... And there, in front of me was the biggest shocker of the year!!! The frigging stock appreciated 62.93%!!!

While writing this... I felt that I cannot do any justice describing the set of emotions I'm going through so I thought I'd let the numbers do the talking! Before I show you the stats... I wanted to give a shout out to my wife...

"Babe, I was right on the money after all!!!! Wooohoooo!!!!"