Padre de Pamilya

The definition of a "Padre de Pamilya" in Filipino society has been hard-wired to us through years and years of "brain-culturing" with school and through interaction with family, and friends.

No one I know right now will ever try to contest what is essentially the essence of what a "Padre de Pamilya" is. At least not from those who are within my circle of friends anyway.

Today though, I was able to do some thinking. Something that is becoming a scarce commodity nowadays with all the year-end hubbub flying around like confetti.

And really what I found out, is that there is no god-damn way can you ever be in total control of what will happen in your life and your loved one's lives.

I mean, for example - you could bring up your children the best way you know how; send them to the best schools money can afford. But in the end, its ultimately their decision to make on what they'll make out of their lives. You just need to make sure you've "armed" them with the right tools by ensuring that their morals, and values are checked.

I always look back at that time when my mom passed-away, back when we are just trying to ask the really hard questions about life - college days.

I always have these questions that I never really got a clear answer on. I have to basically go through a process of elimination or trial-and-error for any answers.

And because of this; I always have this deep insecurity inside of me. Something which actually have had a positive effect, but mostly I reckon, have some really negative ones too

I realized that I am never, at any point in my life (not now, not ever!) - can I ever measure up to the demands of being the "padre de pamilya" as what the standard connotation would ever mean.

I feel that whatever I do, or try to do, all in the name of providing better security to my family, is never going to be good enough.

This essentially leads to stress - and I mean "Stress" with a capital "S".

I stress everyday, every second if I have too, just to figure out, what's the next step? What else do I need to do to secure my family's well being. I stress about the really trivial things along with the really stressful stuff - like what will my children be like in 20 years? Will they be okay?

I stress even to the point of foregoing anything related to myself (health, wants, and personal comfort) - as such was the expectation for a "padre de pamilya" in the society I was brought up from.

But these past few days, I often find myself thinking if this is the right way to go.

If what I'm doing is actually the best way... by eliminating my needs/myself in the equation, am I jeopardizing their future too?

I mean, I know that without even flinching, I'll willingly lay my life in exchange for anyone's in my family - but am I being selfish at not really taking care of myself just to fit the "bill" in the process?

If for example, I contract a life-threatening disease and die prematurely at this very moment; wouldn't that mean that they would be left to fend for themselves, basically struggling like we did when mom left us?

I know that this is a profound subject and I bet a lot of you right now might even argue with what I'll be saying - but I just realized that by not ensuring that I'm taking cared for, I'm actually putting my own family at risk.

And by being so, I am essentially no different that the dad who drinks all day and beats up his own wife and kids just for fun, and then roll over to sleep - as what is typical with the "dysfunctional" sorts that you read everyday on the tabloids.

I need to seriously look at helping myself more, so as to better ensure that I'd be in for "the long haul" for my family.

As I type this, I think about my youngest, who'll just be turning 2 YO this January next year and feel that I'd really need to take of myself since it'll be a while.

My eldest is already there halfway (at least from my perspective), so I don't worry about her at this point. She's matured so well for her age that I bet my life that she'll be making waves on her own in no time at all.

I love both my kids so much, that I can't really think falling short of my "end of the deal" and leaving them to fend for themselves.

I really need to get back on shape, or otherwise stop pretending that with what I'm doing now, I'm actually fulfilling what being a "padre de pamilya" is.