Another little bitter pill

Nearly a quarter to go in to what is one of the most difficult year I've ever had to go through - I find myself psyching-up for an overseas job appointment while barely a month-and-a-half with a new company.

After a very disappointing short stint with a-technical-solution-engineering-company that shall remain nameless, I feel overwhelmingly blessed to find a job which, so far, have given me a privileged working setup and impeccable mentors that are far fetched fantasies for most employees... Indeed, a lot of people I know in the technology industry today, either in this region or elsewhere, would trade their present jobs to be in my shoes right now.

An above average paycheck, flexible hours (you're not required to clock-in 9 hours everyday), telecommute/remote work, respectable benefits package, and an opportunity to contribute in the organizational processes and strategy which will shape a global organization, are the stuff that colleagues in the industry gets to enjoy when they are in their early to late 50s.

However, if there's anything that the first half of this year had taught me is that, my personal circumstances are not what most regular folks have. Or maybe I'm just full of it to think that my case is different from the rest. Being the sole income earner for a family of (five plus 2 people which supports entire households bigger than mine), I already conceded that everything in my life, from this point on, will be excruciatingly difficult than what I have ever faced in my life. It is also damning to know that I myself am still battling personal demons in terms of managing the financial affairs of my own family - being partly responsible for the welfare of an additional two separate families puts additional pressure on everything I do whether I acknowledge them or not.

It is also noteworthy to say that the overseas opportunity is NOT without its share of problems and challenges. Right of the bat, it presented some rather "unique" problems which under normal circumstances, most individuals would not even consider entertaining.

Together with the help of my very supportive family, I chose to persist, and in the wake of about a 2-month long roller coaster of bewilderment, excitement, and horror - I'm about half way there...

Because its still in 50/50-ish situation, I do feel comfortable to consider resigning from my current job barely a month in. After all the disappointments I had this year, I have lost my appetite for any amount of risk, and didn't want leave anything to chance.

I have been working on two plans:

• Number 1 is  advise my current employer that I would need to work from outside the country due to pressing personal matters for a month or two; fly over there for a look-see, then make a decision which one will be better. 
• Number 2 would be, I would let my employer know that I would need to relocate out of the country, fly over there, and work with managing 2 jobs, without absolutely letting either one of them know about it. I could make the time difference work to my advantage, since the former is about 7-8 hours behind where I will be based. Again not ideal based on my personal experience, but if it could ease some of the guilt off, then I'd say its worth taking a look.

Obviously, I'm not proud of what I'm about to do for a number of reasons. I feel that my present job is every bit worthy of loyalty, and for very good reasons too. However, I feel that this is something I need to do for the sake of my family.

I do not plan burn bridges with my present employer, so I know I have to also be mindful about delivering the work they expect. I know I've never been a model employee in a lot of respect, but the pressure to secure the immediate welfare of my family is also bearing down on this decision.

The overseas job has the potential to trump anything that I had ever had before, include this latest job I'm holding - except maybe on the job security category. All expatriate workers know that job security is never one of the qualifications they look for when they decide to go overseas for work. Its contract based, and obviously, you're not favored by the locals since you're viewed as someone whose taking away their jobs.

Looking forward, I realize that my situation puts me on a very difficult path where I'll never be sufficiently confident to call any decision as they present themselves to be. I do not know if I'll ever get used of feeling inadequate in as much that I've always prided myself to be a person who have somehow already established himself in a cut-throat industry where second guessing your expertise and decision can ruin global corporations.

Pursuing Faith

It was always whenever you're down with problems from work, finances, health, and family stuff that a person tends to finally find time to cross examine one's spiritual self.

Whenever I look back in my life, I always somehow feel uncomfortable to discuss my own personal spiritual journey...


SEEDS OF SKEPTICISM

I started of, being born in a typical middle class filipino catholic family. Our family's conservative and somewhat restricted views on religious beliefs did nothing but planted the initial "seedlings" of uncertainty in me as a child.

Maybe its because I'm just a naturally curious kid, but growing up, I already have some dissatisfaction over how some of the basic religious tenets being taught at church or school sometimes just doesn't always make sense to me. I also know that most of the adults in my life were on the same boat that I was in...

I do not exactly remember when it happened, but around the time when I lost my grandma to cancer, despite fervent prayers and my zealot like faith (yes I was a fanatic catholic back then), I've succumb to atheism.

Maybe it was just an immature, hormone laden, teenage renegade phase that I was on at the time, but I remember that I was just impossibly upset and angry at god.

I was so fired up that years of repressed questions over religious dogmas just instantly sprung out , like a tightly wounded coil unraveling in an instant, I felt like a whistling teapot left boiling for an hour, spurting, screaming, and blasting it's lasts load of steam...

I took my atheism quite seriously, even to the point of physically engaging over intellectual discourses that I feel that theists people needed to be rescued from the bondage that is religion

At that time, I was literally convinced that god was simply a figment of our imagination, like unicorns, fairies, santa claus, etc. I was so engorged by anger and helplessness that I've engaged in any intellectual discourse I can afford just to prove and profess the atheistic point-of-view. I even managed to "convert" some of my friends and family over to atheism.

CAJOLING SENSIBILITIES

For years (even after having my own family), I was completely convinced that the realization that a life without a prime mover had set me free --- being absconded by years of rituals, traditions, and reverence that was forced to you soon as you can speak, I felt empowered and respectable.

It has indeed taken a fair length of time before I finally stepped down my high horse and literally "reasoned" my way back to faith.

My views on spirituality and religion at that time was against any type, form, or affiliation. Admittedly though, my arguments were mostly targeted against Catholicism and the judaeo-christian views.

After years of living an altruistic and secularized life though, I finally confounded myself that the real reason that I accepted atheism was because I was lashing out to the God. After that, the fear of rejection simply spring loaded my ego that I since I've been such a proletarian asshole all this years, getting back in God's "good graces" sounded more like a death sentence.

Remembering graphic biblical stories and depiction about how God regularly allow his faithful to be "tested" gave me more reason to hold-on to secular skepticism. I mean, the prospect of penitence from years of blaspheming and the notion that unspeakable horrors of being subjected to "tests" forced me not to reconcile my atheism for a very long time.

Maybe I was too coward or too indisposed from fear that I fear that the idea that once I re-establish my faith, God will go out and test me particularly in areas of my life that I personally know I wouldn't have any chance to pass.... Imagery of horrifying scenarios that has anything to do with my kids or my family is what I feared most (think of the story of Abraham or Lot from the Bible and you'll probably guess what I meant).

Having said that though, in all that time, I felt insecure over a lot of things. For consolation, I would gravitate to the the proposition that everything can be explained and rationalized by the human mind and therefore I don't need divine emancipation, period.

Soon enough though, I found it a constant battle to repress the longing for a greater point-of-view; something with substance or design which can bridge rationale and still satisfy my inert skepticism. An example is why religious people exhibits a certain air of nostalgia and peace despite leading lives permeated in crisis or confronting terrible circumstances beyond any plethora of human rationality. It doesn't make sense to me how in the face of absolutely horrific end, they seem to be accepting and rejoicing the conditions that they were dealt!

The reason I held on to atheism so long is because it offered a point of view that was simply suitable to my situation at the time. Like rationalizing how a new person deserved a promotion more because he was simply more effective or productive, as opposed to choosing a tenured individual who everybody knows is well entrenched and familiar to the inner workings and decision makers in the organization. I feel a sense of betrayal when 5-months after their promotion, people leave to a much higher paying job, without a sense of guilt or loyalty...

Simple things, ideas and events like that which transpired as I progressed in life, lacked the merit that bolstered skepticism and rationalization can offer. Ideas outside of secular religious topics simple doesn't make a suitable topic to apply under atheistic precepts.

RATIONALIZED THEISM

As I grow older, I found it hard not to go back to secular teachings and find enlightenment, where a couple of years earlier, I was completely mocking. It simply just made more sense as years come and went in ways that I can never really understand.

In the end, I found my way back to the Christian fold because of the overwhelming skepticism I had over atheism and its views, which ironically were the same traits that led me to lose my faith in the first place.

So to end this post, I say, go ahead, open yourself up to skepticism and critical reason. Lay your secular beliefs and virtues under rational scrutiny. If your strong enough, and never stop searching for the truth.... I wouldn't be too surprised to find yourself re-acquainted with your faith some time down the line.

Lightyears away

For a lot of us, success in any area of our lives seemingly looks so remote. So distant, that it its simply impossible to accomplish within our very own lifetime. We pat ourselves in the back, toast whatever average success we earned, and retire to our beds at night hoping and praying that our kids would be our best chance to claim our dream that's just too damn illusive as a 50-peso bill in Edsa during Christmas season!

I bet that's why most of the stories we hear growing up includes anecdotes of how our folks had "almost" made it. These anecdotes typically starts with the transitive verbs: would've, should've, or could've, and  ends with that 19th century appeal to the senses : "if I only did such and such... "

I have always enjoyed listening to stories like this. Maybe because, some where a long the line, I know that there will be a story that you could learn from. Or maybe, because I always thought that they too made several amateur mistakes in their lives. That they don't always do the right things... that they are just like you and me... Or maybe, that they're just making excuses cause they obviously didn't meet the "grade"; or had the "stuff" to get them through.

I feel ashamed now of how I thought back then.

Whenever I failed at something important, I always go back to my dad... some times demanding an audience to spill my own "would/should/could" story.... Some how, seeking my own retribution from him or from a family member....

The tables have indeed turned.

I wonder of what my eldest is thinking whenever my wife and I talk about my "would/should/could" story?

Maybe. like my dad, I would be listening to their own stories soon, when they grow up....

In everything there, there is a season and reason?

The past few weeks have been really a humbling experience and I'm just glad that I'll be having a chance to finally push forward with new beginnings by next week.

I pray that things finally look up for the better. 

Whatever it is that happened, I have no choice but to pick my self up and push myself once more. I have to. I need to. I just hope that this time, I could make the right decisions, and make the right choices.

The financial textbooks always told us that we should create an emergency cash buffer worth at least 3 to 6 months of expenses to tide us over in the event of a personal crisis --- like, loss of income, health issues, being run over by stampeding ants or being struck by lightning, etc.  

Being the only income earner in a family of 5 (plus 2), I soon realized that whatever "wall of financial" protection I thought I've built up, did not mean squat in the face of "overwhelming" force... 

Domestic issues simply have a way to shred whatever "well-informed preparations" you make like a manic-compulsive kindergarten cutting up card boards with plastic scissors. Also, other people's "circumstantial" crap also tends to compound seemingly in perfect timing, either when you're at the apex in your personal crisis or you're screaming obscenities out in empty space from complete and utter hopelessness.

More often than not, it pushes most people to retreat to whatever protective-ish cocoon they have as their brain goes cold turkey due to the prolonged absence of serotonin in their bloodstream.

Sadly, despite my recent interlude and affair with disproportionate despair, I am still unsure whether I learned anything sensible that I can later on apply... 

It's cruel to think that when we were little, we were always taught that everything happens for a reason. That, if something does not kill you, it only ought to make you stronger.... What a big pile of  horse droppings! Right there with all the useless, medieval mutterings like, " Eatin' ain't cheatin' " or "when life gives you lemons, you make margaritas" or some similar shit like that!

When will we all finally learn that Shit just happens... not for any other reason, but simply because it can happen.... period...!

Maybe were just too naive or too brainwashed to acknowledge that....

As far back as I can remember, I was brainwashed and bleached to this sick, cult-like belief... Even with modern advances in philosophy and science... Parents (including myself) still serve up this nonsense to their kids.... maybe to appease their own ignorance on the "grand scheme" of life...

Let's try to rectify this further... allow me, if you will, to take a proverbial stab at the existential piece of everyday dilemma by invoking good old fashion mathematical logic... where do I start? Hmmm - maybe, we can invoke John Venn's equation of statistical probability to try to put substance and form...

A quick search on the web, and all those "lively", exciting, and energy packed classroom lectures in college came rushing back to me.... Statistical probability, or frequency probability can be written as follows:

 where P(x) is the probability of an event occurring at a given period (t).

If we attempt to postulate the probability that "undefined" possibilities and circumstances can simply snuff out any financial emergency preparations you make (given non-bounded period or time), we arrive with every statistician's frequency probability theory dilemma, which is:  

Like what I said, its never an exact science (or in my case, math).... Despite the grim outlook though, it is still very much preferred to stock pile lots and lots of cash as emergency contingencies might just be around every twist or turn....

Holding down two jobs ain't funny

I know it's been a while since I last wrote something, there's been a lot going on in the last 18 months that made sure that "down time" is as rare a commodity as platinum is to gold. 

However, I will try to summarize things down, if not just to document them for my own reference.

I held two full-time jobs in 2012, one was consultancy and the other a regular post. 

I took a step in that direction, against common sense and advises from family and friends, because I thought the pay will afford me higher savings chances while at the same time I'd be personally see if I can manage more than one jobs. I was curious as to how other folks can hold down 2 even 3 jobs and wanted to see for myself what's the real story about. The other job is a regular local job here in Manila from one of the world's top companies in technology.

The consultancy job is telecommuting work, but the challenge is around availability (24x7) while the regular job is a straight 9-5 deal that requires you to be present in the office premises.

Right off the bat, I should have known I was making a grave mistake. But, being the stubborn, cocky, highly motivated prick that I am, I thought I could make it work; besides, the money was good!

I slowly regretted the decision since the both jobs are critical roles, meaning it demanded a lot of everything, time, resources, ability, etc. I failed to make concessions early on and ended up making a half-baked decision at the last minute. 

The setup does afford me better financial returns, however, it took away a basic commodity that we all thought so little of nowadays - TIME.

The work literally demanded my every waking (including sleeping) moment - and since the regular job requires me to be present in the office during operational hours, I had to "develop" personal scenarios in order for me to be allowed to telecommute, since it would be odd to hold meetings in the office for the other job. I learned that not only is it a statistical impossibility to be able to manage 2 meetings at the same time without skipping a beat, it is also just damn to hard to concentrate when 2 complete groups for 2 complete topics are talking at the same time.

Keeping tabs of two major activities at the same time is hard enough, but being in 2 different meetings at the same time (remote meetings, one earpiece per ear), while discussing two very different matters in front of 2 very different global teams is next to impossible. I remember forgetting to mute the other mic while I was talking in the other meeting --- I'll leave the details to you folks on how I explained myself to the mostly confused and unsettled audience on the other end where I forgot to mute.

I honestly tried to hold out as long as I can. I even went as far as to "reprogram" my entire body clock just to meet the demands of the two jobs. I had to learn how to live by with just 2-4 hours of sleep everyday (including weekends), take 5 minute lunches, and 7 minute showers. There is absolutely no holidays, no vacation leaves, and no sick leaves.

After 10 months of "surviving", the effects on my self-inflicted punishment started to show. I no longer feel that there is any value to what I was doing. I was mostly cranky (at work and home) and find focusing on even minor things at work difficult. I was making crappy decisions left and right both personal and professional. I think the exhaustion just finally took a hold of me around that month, plus I was also running out of alibis to tell the office why I still can't come in during regular office hours even after being on medical leave for a couple of months.

Shortly around the 11th month, driven mostly by fatigue and low morale, I made a hasty decision to finally call it quits with the regular job I was holding, based irresponsibly from the compensation (the remote consultancy work was paying me better). 

I though I would be seeing happy times - big f#cking mistake!

Around January 2013, things became financial difficult for the consultancy job. I was brought into a meeting with the executives where they revealed that the company is in the red, financially. Most of the clients were are managing is having financial woes. One was even at the brink of filling for bankruptcy. It was clear that time that I would regret choosing this one from the regular job. 

Surely enough, company executive decided to bring in "experts" and my role was the first one to be "reviewed". Having sensed the inevitable, I opted to part ways with that company but managed to secure a deal to safeguard the jobs of the team I was working with. I felt I got a bad deal shortly afterwards, cause then things started to bounce back - the client I was managing updated their books and managed to pay some of its debts. However, I made a big issue before I left, citing that the "experts" they brought in are not just costly, but incompetent since they recommendations are the same as the ones that I am already executing. I just lacked the "sales" skills to bring home the bacon.

In any case, I did manage to get another job last March just before leaving. This one is a regular post job. I thought it'll have to make do since I had to find something quick to augment the sudden loss of income. It was just supposed to be an "in-between" thing since the compensation was grossly disproportionate to what I needed to finance my requirements. I am however thankful for this job. I felt that my expertise in the field of technology has finally been applied for a greater purpose. I actually became part of some thing that I can consider a legacy as the last project has impacts on the national (and even international) level.

Don't get me wrong, I never stopped looking for better job offers. As I write this, I am scheduled to come in for a job offer tomorrow. Honestly, I am still thinking about doing the same "2-jobs-at-the-same-time" deal if it is indeed possible. However, I'm not sure whether I want to go through all that drama again.

I'll try to post any development on this soon.