New-phemisms for the new year

This year is almost gone, yet for some reason, I feel contrite as I think back at the lost opportunities that this year has brought me.

I acknowledge that, in some way, I have made strides this year not just for myself, but for my family too.

I have broken into another dimension when I decided to leave the motherland and seek my retributions in a foreign one.

I remember the great quote that makes you feel so fuzzy first, then ends up bitch-slapping your senses silly:

To find one's purpose in life is easy - but to "live" one's purpose can sometimes be next to impossible

This year at least, I was lucky enough to have someone to give me my well needed "slap in the face"; to finally rouse me into consciousness.

For the past 28 years, I thought that I am doing an effing good job, career-wise (with the choices I've made and the things I've done). I swear man, I thought I was going in the right direction. But because of this person's insight, the world as I know it, was literally brought to a screeching halt!

All of a sudden, I got a clearer picture on things of what was before just a hazy-patch of glorified pixels. Now, I felt deeply remorseful that I might have screwed, not just myself, but my entire family's future. I am completely devastated when I realized that I might indeed have jeopardized my career by being an arrogant and conceited fool, too dense to realize that even people coming from modest backgrounds could have better take on things...

I am so engrossed at my own little success story (vain, huh?), that I felt anyone else's views are absolutely comical and absurd.... Okay, okay, I admit it... once upon a time, I was a bigot in sheep's clothing.... there, I've finally admitted it!!!

Going back to my point... This person, although coming from a very modest background, has made it to his "career nirvana" in fraction of the time that I've forecasted mine... Imagine my shock... =(

Made me wonder what sort of other things could be swimming in his head, and whether I could fish some of them out... It also made me feel that somehow, I could be a "student" again; that someone else could actually be teaching me something relevant again.

When the dust finally settled, I began my usual run of morbid panic attacks, sleeplessness, and excessive worrying. You see, it's not only because of the fact that I might have just blown 28-damn-years of my life into a dead-end; but also because I felt that this time around, I may never catch up with the guy..... Which of course also means that I'm setting myself up for a VERY disappointing retirement present....

Gives you something to wrap your mind with, huh? I mean, what if one day, you'll wake up and realize that your whole life is actually going to end without even a whimper. That the life your living right now, is actually spelling your failure.... I can't live realizing that I'll be a failure.... I mean, after all the shit I've already gone through...? I'd rather not have live at all.... *Big Sigh...

So what do we do? We go on living of course... and basically just hope for the best.... I'd be too stubborn not to fight back.... must be hereditary....

I always believe that nothing happens to you that you cannot exploit; there's always opportunity in every tragedy... I mean, there certainly something worth looking forward to, even if all you can see from the outside are bits and pieces of your crumbling, so called life... =(

I just hope there is still time in my life to get things into what I originally intended them to be... After all, there is one more reason this year that's worth reviving my hopes and dreams... My beloved baby boy Dylan...!!! Someday soon my son, I'd make you proud....! =)

I miss my family so much... I miss home...