It all started like any other job....
Amidst the procrastination, searing guilt (of leaving my previous company) and incessant questions in my mind, I pushed on - thinking that its "one of those things" that you just go through when transitioning to a new role/company.
Regardless of any other reason - I now knew that I should have given more thought over this decision...
Okay, I admit it... I'm one stubborn, impulsive, and arrogant jack-ass dude --- traits that, to be fair, had served me well in the past.
I also know that it's going to take a while before I can do a post-mortem analysis of what is really going wrong with my life... I'm just to dumb or to numb at the moment to do any intelligent examination of what has happened in the past 4 months...
Talked to my dad last night, and as usual, I've ranted about how unfair life was for myself and how totally clueless I am of what's going to happen next.
In the past, he usually comes back to me with something witty, but last night was different.
He told me what I knew all along... a sort of an "in-your-face" assault on my sensibilities.... after doing the math, I felt like a total fool, a sociopath brat screaming obscenities in front of the whole world over some worthless matter...
I felt ashamed that I was arrogant to complain about my problems in spite of where I am and what I have... tsk-tsk-tsk...
All I know is.... in the beginning, I wanted this job because I was looking for a challenge... As you may know (if you've been following my blog), I've been nothing but a ranting lunatic about how "unfulfilled" I feel on my previous job (that, and factoring in other stuff like, working odd hours, being in a constant state of paranoia over project spending, managing expectations from impossible stakeholders, and reviewing/revising infra/system designs because you simply don't trust the other guy's capabilities, etc...).
But now that I'm with this new company, where the mere act of clocking-in for the day seems to be a ripe candidate for a D-M-A-I-C and parallel RCA analyses, I still complain.
Talking with my dad is always been a "rejuvenating experience" for me, because it gives me a chance to explore another person's perspective - another person whom I trust with my own life...
One could say that, nothing is never as bad (whatever the gravity of the situation is) that you can't talk about it with my dad.... Even if it involves hashing out a re-alignment plan for a runaway project that went over budget to the tune of USD 20M-something....
Somehow, even the most complex issues sound so trivial on our conversations... I always wonder how he does that... simplify stuff....
I just need to thank him for being there for me all this years (and putting up with all my crap).
He's a good man, although most folks who don't really know him would say otherwise - you see he's not the type who subtly breaks his perspective to you....
Maybe he knows that it's the only way he could get to me... shock and awe?
Anyway, as of this writing, I'm still in the same limbo state where I began... I'm still unsure of what I wanted in life... don't get me wrong, I know what I need to do, it's just that, I'm unsure if that's what I really want for myself.... =(
No comments:
Post a Comment